Psychologists only need to understand family words correctly

Psychologists only need to understand family words correctly
If the family is not happy, there is no need to endure it. Why is it still meaningless to pack when the spouse yells: When the husband starts to change drastically (for example, he stops drinking and starts exercising), how does the husband become disinterested in his wife? Why do even the pastor get divorced? Why can't it be so simple when the family is not happy? The St. Petersburg Diocese Committee for Family Issues, Protection of Mothers and Children, Modena Director of the St. Petersburg Diocese Center of the Orthodox Church.

We discussed the four rules of conversation between spouses and studied some of them: listen before speaking; share, not argue; understand, not evaluate; forgive. They seem simple, but let's take a look: what does it mean?
Only idiots can participate in this scam!

In fact, marking is a classic form of violating a commandment: (Matthew -2)-because a person is to be judged, not an act.
When a husband or wife shares emotional pain with us, he usually does not expect us to evaluate himself or his behavior, because he himself knows that his behavior is poor and he must do all similar things. Otherwise, even know exactly what to do...a person is seeking sympathy and support at this moment-in order to correct the situation, he will be understood, not condemned, accepted, supported, or at least not because he is loved The fact of being abandoned, despite failure. Empathy means expressing one's feelings and showing sympathy. This does not mean agreeing to a mistake or error at all. But-understand rather than condemn. When a person seems to be listening, but in fact he does not listen at all, can you give an example?
This usually happens when a person has his own opinion, and he is not ready to listen when a neighbor shares something with him-he interrupted... if he doesn't bother, then he just waits patiently The interlocutor finishes as soon as possible, because the ready answer is already on the tip of his tongue and is ready to escape from his mouth. In this state of expectation, one cannot hear and listen. In vain! Maybe your point is correct, but it is correct about where your interlocutor started the speech. But he did not finish! He may make further arguments, which will change the overall situation of what is happening...but you will not hear his voice. This means not only understanding words and their meanings, but also understanding how a person feels in his own language. Please, the situation calms me a little bit, and then-pity me. "

For Christians, this seems to be taken for granted. What is the need to forgive a spouse or couple’s difficulties? It turns out that forgiving a husband or wife, especially adultery, is more difficult. This is a serious sin, so that if the spouse cannot forgive him, then even Jehovah himself will not condemn divorce (see Matthew ). However, this does not mean you need a divorce! If possible, I will say a few words.
For example, there was a situation caused by a family crisis and stupid retaliation. Then, people who changed themselves are deeply worried and regret their behavior. And there is frequent betrayal, which is because a person has actually established a second family for himself, or it is the result of diseases such as sex addiction-a way of relying on one’s own sexual feelings, when these feelings and When the pursuit of novelty is more important than the actual sexual partner itself... In the latter case, a person needs in-depth professional psychological help and rehabilitation. Because the Internet makes pornography relatively easy to obtain, the disease itself is spreading like an epidemic. Sex addicts are eager to reproduce what he saw in pornographic movies in real life, and the possibility of spouse or spouse in it is limited. We are real people, not movie characters. It is believed that sex fanatics account for 3% to 5% of the world's population, and according to various estimates, 11% to 41% of sex fanatics are women, so no one can be immune from this disease. After trying everything possible with the wife or husband, and often entering the family intimacy in a dead end, because the second spouse is not satisfied with the husband or wife's constant obsession with the implementation of a certain sexual perversion in practice. The addict started to side. Although at the same time he can even become a believer and sincerely repent of what he is doing. Strictly speaking, this is the same as alcoholics or drug addicts... and, like any sin, what a person finds is depression, or scientifically speaking, it is depression, not joy. Therefore, when one person makes a choice and actually creates a second family and does not intend to change the situation, it turns out that keeping the old family is almost impossible. But in the case of a betrayal and sincere repentance, or in the case of sex addiction, there is still a chance. Once again there is the question of forgiveness-its boundaries, the ability to forgive. Sometimes it talks about responsibility and the need to forgive repentant sinners. Once we repent, God will always be ready to forgive us.
I love you so much that I will forgive everyone. Let me remind you that repentance expressed in the Greek word -μετάνοια is not just regret, but a change in thinking, and therefore a way of life and behavior.

Therefore, if a sinner embarks on the path of correction, it means he has truly repented, and we must forgive him so that God can forgive us. We cannot forget or forget orders, we can only order ourselves. Forgiveness does not mean agreeing to evil or encouraging evil. Forgiveness is a path that starts with the deliberate decision of a tolerant person. A forgiving decision is to provide sinners with opportunities for new lives and new relationships. Forgiveness is the way to regain trust. Regarding those who do not ask for forgiveness, there is another commandment: (Matthew ). Did not say-. If people learn to listen and understand each other, if they are willing to establish this kind of relationship, even if divorce is nearing, can the family return to normal relationship? According to your experience, is this realistic? You have already seen that in a dialogue, in addition to the exchange of words, there is a second theme-the emotional theme. Therefore, they must be able to express and express them correctly. Say, not only to express the facts, but also to express the feelings related to it. But to say feelings, you must first learn to be aware of them, and usually admit that I have feelings. There is a disease called dyskinesia. You can't realize how you feel and name it. The earth is more or less disease-free. By the way, European culture, especially British culture, has greatly promoted this development: it has become the foundation of American culture, and now in many countries in the world, people have regarded it as an ideal business relationship, personal communication and lifestyle . Therefore, in European culture, especially British Americans, expressing your feelings in any way is considered a bad form. By the way, due to some reason in our country, many people also believe that Christianity should be like this, and the ideal is happy indifference. Only this indifference can also be understood as the ability to feel nothing and want nothing. By the way, although we found such a situation in the list of sins.

I feel, but I am humble, I restrain myself-this is a conversation-it is a question of how to express feelings correctly and how to express them incorrectly. It is not emotions that need to be suppressed, but a wrong form of expression. Ah, now, if I am angry, but I deny that I am angry, then I don't understand what is happening to me. I can humble myself for a while and restrain myself, but if I do, how can I not feel orderly anger? If I don't know him myself, I won't notice, I don't express in any way, then he is in me.

He looked at them angrily, sad for the stiffness of their hearts, and said to the man with dry hands: Stretch out your hand. He stretched, and she became as healthy as everyone else. "Now, he is angry, we see it, but we know he is sad.
I think it is easier to talk with people of our time in scientific language than in patriotic language. However, in spite of this, in the Holy Father, the word is not a muscle capsule, it contracts and pumps blood, but an organ of the soul that can produce and perceive emotions. It's interesting! In other words, the saint fully understands a person's thoughts and inner feelings.

Scientifically speaking, there is something like the body in the human brain. The body connects the two hemispheres to each other. By the way, there are some differences between men and women. Have you heard of this?
Yes, but this is due to the structure of the brain-no. Men, due to poor communication between the hemispheres, also have certain advantages-we are more purposeful, and our emotions, emotions and certain interpersonal conflicts have little impact on business issues. There may be the worst interpersonal relationship between us and our boss. We cannot tolerate each other's spirits, but this will not affect the business-we continue to communicate normally on business issues as if nothing happened. Usually, for women, things are much more complicated.

Therefore, at the top of the body, a person has three layers of marginal cortex. People also call it a word, but the limbic system is more correct.
What does it have to do with expressing emotions? The six layers of the cerebral cortex (the so-called neocortex) throughout the limbic system are responsible for the thinking process, decision-making, and storage of knowledge. In fact, our personality is formed by the neocortex. Thoughts are produced by the cortex, while emotions are produced by the limbic system. The limbic system is responsible for the words people speak. In other words, we cannot understand what is happening in this limbic system. Therefore, psychology is an unconscious science in many ways. Interestingly, the neurons in the limbic system are ring-shaped, forming a circular structure, so the signal can circulate there for decades without any performance. Like a landmine, it is self-contained and will not show up in any way before being trampled on.
Therefore, any of our strong emotional reactions, especially when there is no obvious reason, always have a reason to think: Why do I react to this emotion like this? And every time.

Since the limbic system is not directly controlled by the cerebral cortex, I remind you that, for example, when we remove our hands from a hot arm, it can also cause conditioned and unconditioned reflexes. Therefore we also reflexively say:, ,. Why do these words make you sad? "-We cannot answer these questions.

The feelings produced by the limbic system are beyond our control, and we cannot be responsible for them. They are produced outside of our own desires. That is to say, for example, if a person is afraid of darkness, no matter what logical or psychological argument he brings, it is stupid. Will fear disappear anywhere?
Feelings are beyond our control, and we cannot be responsible for them. I cannot command myself: more precisely, I can command, but I will not stop fearing. For this, we have taken responsibility before the people and God. When a person forbids his feelings, when he is sure that he has no feelings at all, when he starts to answer a question, it is like being asked: it only means one thing: there are feelings in his body, they can’t be there, but He feels that he doesn't know. And at the moment of the explosion, his behavior may be very inappropriate. People don't understand: what is he? Or what is she? For example, the wife is nothing more than what she has experienced now and now-playing DJ, yelling, and hitting the wall with her head. Or the husband can beat his wife. Or people can call, extortion and blackmail – express unpleasant feelings in different ways. However, under normal circumstances, if they have accumulated and did not realize it, then this person will even send out something incomprehensible for his lack of response, and then he starts to blame himself for it, such as:

He is restrained and can train himself so that this does not happen externally, but, as I have already said, he can, for example, have heart attacks, strokes, and heavy drinking inwardly.
In other words, if you feel that your spouse or spouse’s behavior is improper, ranting, smashing the door loudly, and losing some offensive words, you need to know whether a person has accumulated a lot of self-evident content?

Can you deal with these reactions yourself? After all, this is an important skill for spiritual life-understanding and awareness. For family life, this is extremely necessary. So, for example, in the situation I have described, when a woman yells:-If the husband really starts packing up and looking for the mother, she will be offended even more.

She didn't mean that. And he should have guessed it. But what did he hear? ...He did what she said! If he didn't understand his feelings, he wouldn't even think that his wife had other meanings. This means that if I realize how I feel in time, I will find myself in time, and I can say correctly:-instead of yelling. And there is no longer such a conflict. In other words, you need to speak directly: not swear or just shut up to yourself.
Do you need to study for a long time and then study again? Usually people are used to other things: wait.
Moreover, sometimes I still give incorrect responses. But the other thing is that I at least started to notice myself. There is a kind of unconscious incompetence: when I do something wrong or even don't understand it at all. In a situation of unconscious incompetence, a person does not understand that he is doing something wrong. If someone tells him something, he will be offended, frustrated, angry, but will not agree: he believes he is doing the right thing. At some stage, a person begins to understand what and what actually must be different. This is called conscious incompetence. Sometimes there is an opportunity to correct the situation, sometimes there is no more opportunity, but a person begins to notice his mistakes. This is deliberate incompetence. The third stage is the conscious ability. This is the result of forcing yourself through repeated training. A person starts to do the right thing, begins to understand the situation, and roughly speaking, first bites the tongue and then gives himself a name, and then swears:-do Give the correct response. The fourth stage, which can be called holiness, is the unconscious ability, when a person has begun to do the right things effortlessly, because for him it has become the norm in his life. I can say that, basically, I am now between the second and third stages of life. In other words, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't work. For example, what should the spouse do if not only do not have a conversation, but also become disinterested in each other? No one yelled at anyone, they were just bored with each other, even though it was fun before. Who is responsible for things that are interesting to me, things that are not interesting, things that I like and things that are not responsible? The same limbic system! Here is a reason to think: Why is this person not interested in me? This is the highest authority and will always be the best man in the world. Until a certain age, she didn't know that her father was also a weak man. Her limbic system absorbed the idea that a normal man should behave like this-drinking. She saw how her mother regularly dragged her drunk husband into the apartment, undressed, put him in bed, cleaned him, and did all other unpleasant things, and under the perception of a little girl, life is like this... . Then she grew up, and she herself had to carry her drunk father. She has become very smart, has begun to hate alcohol and alcoholics, and has begun to deal with this problem in different ways. But when it’s time to get married, the following may happen: deliberately dreaming of a drunk husband, subconsciously on those who are prone to alcoholism-she is not interested in drunk men, they are an emptiness for her The place. Because in her limbic system, there is the image of an ideal man-an alcoholic father. She is unknowingly looking for an alcoholic husband for herself. Therefore, it often happens that a woman marries an alcoholic, then suffers pain, suffering, divorce, and then marries another alcoholic. Suddenly she married an alcoholic, he gave up, stopped drinking, and started working and earning money. And-suddenly became disinterested in her. She doesn't understand why she should continue to live! ...This very subtle mental game begins.

If such a woman suddenly realizes what is really happening to her and why, then she will be able to realize it. You need to discover true love and establish a good relationship with your husband, literally love him again.

Even two people who are together due to some personal injury can start a normal and healthy relationship? If they both realize what they have done wrong and are ready to develop, it is that they can acquire new qualities, new skills and change their relationship. Full of interest in the life and development of the object of love. When two people are not only interested in life, but also in each other's life and development, this is true love.

Combines traits such as emotion and caring to caress instead of love. Relentless care is not love.
In a lifetime, one person can overlap with another person and return again, but at a different level), and this is a responsible choice and decision. The decision to be together means the decision to live together and live together in order to rely on each other to live and develop. I am responsible for the people I love and those I don’t love, otherwise there is no commandment: if love does not depend on me at all, if it is a completely spontaneous feeling, it is produced in the limbic system regardless of my will Yes, then there is no commandment about love in the gospel.
As a Holy Father wrote, is love a virtue of will? It can be said that it has the element of will. This is a very complex set of feelings and thoughts, as well as my choices and responsibilities. Can be heated, love can be extinguished. For example, if I love a married woman, then I am responsible for it before God. In the Gospel of Matthew, I made some suggestions for actions to be taken in this situation-keep your eyes open, and if they seduce you, please cut off my hand (see Matthew 5, 29-31). Obviously, it is unrealistic and wrong to literally extend your eyes or cut off your hands.
This means that if you cherish certain things, such as your own eyes or your own hands, it is better to cut off and disconnect from the person, and do not increase the temptation, which will destroy you and his people. By definition, this is a standard, and no serious problems will ever arise for both the father and the mother. Therefore, if a pastor’s family has problems, it can naturally be resolved. This is real? This is because myths do exist. In fact, pastors are also humans, and they can also experience pleasant and unpleasant feelings. Unfortunately, no one has taught priests how to express their feelings. Many of us come from ordinary secular Soviet families. Even if a person from the pastor’s family has some traditions, inheritance, etc., and even retains the elements of a patriarchal family, his spouse may come from a completely non-church family, her ideas are completely different, and she Will not obey the husband, for example. Moreover, she can usually inherit the distrust of men, and conflict starts here.
I can say that according to unofficial information, in St. Petersburg, there are on average one or two divorced couples each year. There is such a fact. I know that the pastor did not formally divorce his mother, but they did not live together either: she lived in an apartment, and he lived in a room in the church. People looked at him and admired him: but in fact, he was not in a hurry to go home, because he felt uncomfortable at home, because there was a permanent conflict between him and his wife.
Many pastors’ spouses have big problems. Some people believe that in fact, more than half of the priest’s family and the relationship between their spouses have been in crisis.
You said that you and your wife have similar things-quarrels, misunderstandings, and desire to stay longer in the parish so that you can go home later. What makes you think this is a normal phenomenon and you have not found a way out? First of all, I think everyone's life is like this. I talked to other priests. Secondly, in Russian tradition, I emphasize, for example, in Russian rather than Greek, accepting the following: When a young man is appointed as a deacon, his wedding ring is removed, and the second deacon usually says the following: Then In the worship service, the same hymn as the wedding was indeed sung, but in the reverse order. At the same time, the future clergymen circled the throne three times like couples at the wedding-on the podium! That is to say, people in a special way, that is, they overthrew you and your wife and married you in your own way. Now you are forced to devote 101% of your life to the church. Like your wife, you are allowed to stay because of your weakness: so, sometimes use your wife, but you must give yourself to the church completely, let the wife go out as much as possible... she knows herself What was she doing when she married a pastor-this kind of conversation was going on all the time. You will not find such an official doctrine in the Bible or in the canon of the church-there is no such thing. This is a myth. But what’s interesting is that some priests who graduated from seminaries and even colleges look at it on the surface, and begin to believe that this is some kind of secret doctrine conveyed in the hadith: the ring is taken off, and now my wife and I will be Debunk.
In other words, can you ignore your wife after the appointment? Speaking of bishops, at that time bishops could only get married in the seventh century according to the decision of Trulli Cathedral. According to the canon, bishops should not get married.
It turns out that the pastor’s house and his family relationship should be exemplary. It turns out that from a biblical point of view, it is important that the married pastor should not only be a model for his parish, but also for his own family. For some reason, it was not mentioned for it, but just: take off the ring, just like you and my wife expose you.
The priest also took off the wedding ring from the Greeks, but this was done only during the liturgy, so even by accident, the crumbs of the body of Christ would not fall under the ring even by accident. They have this purely practical consideration. At the end of the service, the Greek priest put on the wedding ring and carried it with him. What should you pay attention to and what is mandatory to ensure normal relations?
The ability to understand each other's feelings, even indirectly expressed feelings. Dialogue, this is willing to follow the principle of dialogue, speak your problem, and find a solution to the problem. We can do it by ourselves, but if we can't solve it, then do it again-we must humbly turn to someone who can help, or enter one of our programs, such as a program.

Unfortunately, I know that some pastors do not want to come to us out of pride because they are worried that other pastors will find that he also has family problems. I know some St. Petersburg priests who know me say:
Being a family life expert is not easy, it also has certain obligations: do you need to comply? I don’t think I’m like that. It’s just that at a certain stage in God’s life, I started to deal with family relationships every month and every year-on a deeper level, through meeting with different people, through the environment, through learning. In the literature, something was found. Finally, I have now received psychological education-I specialize in learning so that I can help people more deeply to figure out what to do and how to do and what to do and what not to do. By the way, I can say that psychologists will not replace pastors, and pastors will not replace psychologists. Because the most frequent confession is still a brief conversation, it is a person's sinful revelation to God, perhaps some brief spiritual advice, usually in practice. The pastor did not have the opportunity to delve into the nature of what is happening in this person or that person, inquire about his life, the life of his ancestors, and try to understand what is written in his limbic system. Psychology implies various ways that allow people to open up and discover what is happening to themselves, various dance techniques (including dancing and painting)-these are tools that priests including me cannot use to confess their sins. Therefore, when I talk to people as a pastor, I will share that although certain elements of psychology in confession and shepherd conversations may be useful, when I talk to people, it is more like a psychologist, even though I Never forget that I am a pastor. In the psychology literature, the concept of acceptance is constantly encountered. It is considered a mandatory attribute of love. In your opinion, what is acceptance in the family life of a Christian and how should it be expressed?
First of all, acceptance means accepting a person's feelings and accepting him as a person with a series of spiritual characteristics-temperament, response characteristics and his own gift of the Holy Spirit, because each of us is unique. The apostles in Romans, chapter twelve, the first letter of the Corinthians, the twelfth chapter of 2 Corinthians, and the apostle in the fourth chapter of Ephesians, this is not accidental at all! -The article about the church as the body of Christ. It is composed of different members. Each member of the body receives a different gift, but at the same time, each member of the body is unique and not interchangeable. We are all members of the same organization, very different from each other and not interchangeable.
This is an attitude towards each person as an individual, as a unique member of the body of Christ-the church. The eyes are round and shiny, but they will not bend. The fingers have no pupils and cannot see, but they know how to bend and can lift weights. Fingers and eyes are part of the same body, so you need to use them in their respective positions. Everyone has things that others don't, and everyone reacts to certain things in their own way. Everyone has their own shortcomings-literally not a sin, but a shortcoming, which means a lack of any skills, abilities, opportunities, and gifts of the Holy Spirit. And it's not bad-we are called to complement each other in the church, love each other, and love each other with the gifts of our Holy Spirit. When a person is the carrier of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, this is very easy to accept. But, for example, how to accept some daily things, such as husband throwing socks or picking his nose, wife splashing in the shower for hours or beating like a rhino?

First, you can share your unpleasant feelings about socks or nose picking.

It's okay to feel about this or that. A person has an unpleasant feeling, he has a feeling, not his opinion of his spouse. but. In other words, my husband is not disgusting to me, but the socks lying in the middle of the room are disgusting to me. This is an important point. We must start from the following: everyone is the image of God, if God created, then everyone is a good person, bad people do not exist. Our sin is not me. I am me, this is not a sin. If you are very dirty, then you are fine, but there is dust on your body and you need to take a shower, right? Sin should be the same: yes, sin entangles a person, and sin pierces our soul and body, which is filthy and filthy to us and our hearts. Yes-we should feel sorry for this mud. But in a literal sense, being aware of your sin is a spiritual cause. However, this is not the reason why I am bad, because I am dirty, and in general, the dirt is me. Acceptance means accepting that you are yourself and knowing that you are a good person. If you do something that I don’t like, this is a reason to figure out why you did it, rather than condemning or labeling it. By the way, I have already said that, unfortunately, our Orthodox people like hanging tags very much. Because of socks. This will not bring any benefits.
And talk about your feelings that have nothing to do with people, but with the situation. If in a family, relatively speaking, the dinner plate does not fly to the wall and the husband does not hit his wife, everything is more or less normal-the spouse is somehow ashamed of participating in the family life seminar. Or do they not need it?

It is a mistake to think that only people on the verge of divorce need to learn. This seminar is aimed at ordinary ordinary families. Just as there is no absolutely innocent person, there is no relationship problem without a family. If you remember that God created a man and a woman to make them happy and happy with each other, then you will understand: when a family is unhappy, it is abnormal. You don't need to endure it, endure it-you need to find a way out. For any family, it is useful to develop their dialogue. The Psychopath & The Sociopath: A Masterclass